There's light in every star

I’m feeling so terrible today. And I know I have people that I can go to for help and I know they care, but I just feel like I can’t. They don’t get it. They can never get it. Because they’ve never been abused.

I wish I didn’t feel this way…I know they mean well…

I talked to my youth pastor today about the abuse because we’re about to do a series on sexuality and I don’t really feel comfortable with it. He was amazing, caring only about my safety and feeling safe while at youth. He’s the best :).

AHHH!

I hate flashbacks.

Please excuse me as I go curl up in bed and watch The Princess Bride.

Sitting here at church selfishly hoping my ex won’t show up so I don’t have to deal with him.

Meanwhile all sorts of worries and made-up scenarios are rolling around in my head of what could have happened on Friday when he went drinking with the girl he likes and what could happen in the future.

I want to trust that he won’t do to her what he did to me, but I just can’t. I don’t care if he promised. I just don’t trust him.

On the plus side, I practiced martial arts in the rain while waiting for other people to arrive. Imagining you’re punching someone is a wonderful de-stress-er ;P.

My youth pastor was away tonight. My ex doesn’t really listen to anyone other than him, so he got kind of out of control since he got grouchier and grouchier. And he scares me half to death when he’s angry because I know what he’s capable of. At least there were other leaders too besides us so I was able to hang out with them and avoid my ex.

Meanwhile, I’ll just lock myself in my room for the night and try to block out memories and the fear that someone’s going to barge in and angrily abuse/rape me.

I can’t function right now. I’ve never had a panic attack or flashbacks or fear this bad before. I keep thinking someone’s going to spring through my front door and rape me. Why oh why oh why oh why did I have to volunteer last night with my ex without my youth pastor around? My ex is so angry and scary sometimes and other people notice it too but they don’t know what he’s like. They don’t know what he can do. Every noise is making me jump. And I have to see my ex tomorrow again, possibly twice.

Help.

flashbacks flashbacks flashbacks flashbacks flashbacks flashbacks flashbacks

friggity friggity frig

and life was going so well

I thought I was forgetting

My ex drove me home after volunteering today, as he does on many days cause he drives a group of us. I’m usually the last one dropped off so it’s just me and my ex alone in the car. Usually I’m okay with it but today for some reason I was really freaked out. He wasn’t in a good mood and all the memories came back to me. As soon as he was out of sight I started crying.

Hoping tomorrow will be better.

Saw him today.

I thought I would get to see him for a while, but he spent a couple hours getting his car fixed so I only saw him for an hour. He picked me up near where I work (he hadn’t texted me so by then I had assumed he wasn’t going to and had gone to that part of town to read a book and mostly prevent myself from moping) and drove to this store to buy new sneakers. Since he’s leaving tomorrow he was doing a bunch of last-minute errands, but I didn’t mind. (Seriously, how much do I like this guy if I’m okay going shoe shopping with him). It was fun though and it was much calmer and we were much more open than the last time we hung out by ourselves for some reason. Not sure why. But the silences were no longer awkward and I could always think of things to ask him so we could keep talking (which is an amazing feat for me. I am not great at verbal communication.) and he would talk a bunch honestly and then ask me about myself. It was wonderful just being able to talk with him. And he looked so attractive again. But I was too shy to even hug him goodbye, let alone kiss him on the cheek. Mostly because we were in his car when we said goodbye cause he dropped me off at work, and car hugs are awkward unless you hug the person often. But on the plus side the lady who was selling him shoes seemed to think we were dating, and he would walk right past me where I sat while he tried on shoes, almost brushing his hand on my thigh a few times. Well, I’ll see him at Christmas I guess, and hopefully we’ll email each other before then (though he’s terrible at contacting people while he’s not physically there. Seriously. I’m surprised we emailed a bit last spring. One of his best friends has been gone for over a month and I don’t think he’s contacted him once yet.)

And to top it off I didn’t think about my ex or the abuse at all today (until I got home tonight and saw a book on it). Which I didn’t realize was a constant in the back of my head until it stopped. It hasn’t stopped once for more than a minute or two since last winter. Wow. He’s amazing. I need to spend time with him more often.

My ex was sitting behind me in church and stood up during one of the songs, leaning against the pew so that his hands were almost touching my shoulders and he was towering over me.

Freaked me the fuck out.

I literally jumped out of my seat to stand up.

I spent half of Friday night cuddling up against him while he rested his arm on me, poked me, joked with me, bear-hugged me, and teased me while we watched The Lord of the Rings (while the three Youth were mostly asleep)

But then he ignored me all of today and ignored my text.

I don’t get it.

How can someone be so hot and cold? (For once, dare I say it, I can relate to Katy Perry.)

But to be fair our relationship makes no sense and I don’t want to ever admit to him that I like him (even though we flirt a lot >.>). Not after what happened. Cause I can’t let that happen again, no matter what my feelings are and the fact that I’ve mostly gotten over it and forgiven him. I can’t. I don’t think I could survive it.

Read More

How do people deal with being sexually abused?

I feel like I’m stuck going in circles.

How do you erase memories?

Or forget feelings?